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Everyone I have talked to has said, “You sound so much better, more confident, sounds like you have finally moved on from this heartbreak.”

I have not, I have not moved on from this heartbreak, I feel like shit. So sad. So depressed. I have just fallen back into old habits where I easily hide my depression from others and seem okay. I think I am worse since I told people I felt like shit a month ago. I think I am spiraling hard. Knowing that there is no more hope and just wanting an end to it all.

I feel so alone. I know I should try to feel better. To be a better son, brother, friend, instead of a burden. And that’s why I am hiding it now: I am not better, and I do not want to disappoint others. I feel like a failure, because everyone else expects me to move on, to find another. But I can’t. I can’t move on. I can’t move on without her. As twisted and sick as it is, for all the disrespect and lack of love she showed me, that everyone else saw, I can’t move on.

There is something wrong with me. Deeply twisted wrong in the way I think. In the way I handle, self-destruct, my life.

I have ever only wanted someone who loved me unconditionally. Someone who I could lean upon, pick me up, and help me change for the better. I almost had that, someone who loved me for who I was, who was patient with me through my faults, but I fucked it up and did not change my errors enough, and the other was frozen too in their growth of not rising past their faults. We became stagnant within ourselves and in this relationship. We were too depressed to help ourselves, let alone our love.

Through these errors, we individually had, but dependently fixed upon each other. We couldn’t move on. So we pushed the other away. We pushed a love that was fierce, bold, and strong. Away.

A love that moved on, I feel so alone.